When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
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Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
Just paid my bills, so don’t ask me to come out. I’m at home getting my money’s worth.
doctors will be like go get this and pharmacists will be like here u go
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
[pet store]
Me: your parrot called me a cracker.
Manager: maybe he was asking..
[from the back] TALK YOUR SHIT WHITE BOY *parrot whistle*
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
“Is that a serial killer downstairs or just my pet?”
– the fun game that all cat owners get to play at 3am
me, one hour into the “no solid food for three weeks” thinkin about pizza
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
My daughter just maintained eye contact while stuffing her face with the last of my chocolate stash and my husband said “oh shit” and picked her up and took her into the other room but he won’t always be here to protect her
I would be so pissed if someone shook me all night long.
did… did they arrest the mountain lions
“Genetically modified food is very much safe for human consumption” the tomato on my plate reassuringly explained to me.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
My kid was very impressed with herself for selecting the pink scented garbage bags, which is interesting because I was unaware that she even knew how trash worked
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
A decepticon is a just a cheeky emoticon at the end of a message intended to excuse the sender and confuse the recipient.
Ex: Please die 😉
I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I’m not straight up gangster but I’m working on improving my posture.
This day in history. 1914. The first WWI trenches were dug if you don’t count the one my grandfather was already hiding from the officers in
The reason I keep important things in my pants is so I’ll remember to wear pants.
If I won the Mega Millions jackpot, I would pay my kids to be quiet for 5 minutes.