Sorry I photobombed your mammogram.
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(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Texting is a brilliant way to miscommunicate how you feel, and misinterpret what other people mean.
Didn’t have internet on my phone for the past few hours. Finally graduated, got married, lost some weight, read 15 books and showered.
[adopting dog]
VOLUNTEER: we need your life history to make sure this animal is safe[leaving hospital with baby]
DOCTOR: don’t let him die
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Me: Eat your dinner.
6: But my belly hurts.
Me: Okay then you can go lay down but no treats or snacks later.
6: But I’ll feel better then.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
outlook: I’m the most powerful office tool ever made. I can search every email you’ve ever received and keep track of the meetings you have six months from now
me: I would like to still view an attachment after someone replies to the email
outlook: [confused hissing]
Hey! This isn’t my car!
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
Happy birthday to rapper Pitbull who is 34 today, or 238 in dog years for all the other Pitbulls.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
Me: [in kitchen] today we’re going to replace my wife’s coffee with a live badger, let’s see if she notices
Wife: [from other room] hey you better not be in there replacing my coffee with a live badger
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: Was it the air guitar?
Cop: *shy* Yeah can… can I get your autograph?
Me: Happens all the time.
Cop: Thanks!
Me: Hey! This is a ticket!
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
*waking up hogtied in the trunk of a car*
………
*goes back to sleep*
PIGEON KID: I need to go bad
PIGEON MOM: Try to hold it until we find a statue
I don’t think either person should pay for the first date. It should be on the house
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
Priest: Do you read to your kids from the Good Book?
Me: Every night
Priest: What’s their favorite part?
Me: When Frodo destroys the ring
What I said : Just a trim, please.
What hairdresser must’ve heard : Give me the Kim Jong-un.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
Whenever I feel sorry for myself, I take my children to the grocery store. And then there’s like 40 people feeling sorry for me.
Goldfish 911: What’s ur emergency?
Goldfish: I forgot
Goldfish 911: Forgot what?
Goldfish: WHO IS THIS?
Goldfish 911: I DON’T KNOW
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
I’m a total go with the flow kinda person as long as the flow is meticulously scheduled well in advance and there are no mid-flow changes whatsoever
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking