99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
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Produced a radio ad in the 1990s for a supermarket’s Pepsi promotion. It was the opening of the can and the pour, with v/o at the end. All very alluring and appetising. We used a can of Coke
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
Some people just lack the ability to laugh at themselves. That’s where I come in.
#parenting
Chased a waterfall and caught it easily. Not really sure what the big deal is.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
If you hear me using my son’s walkie-talkie in Target because I don’t have a phone right now, the polite thing is to take your cart to the next aisle before laughing
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Republicans, don’t forget to set your clocks back 50 years
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
Wearing a rollerblade on one foot and an ice skate on the other so you are prepared for any type of terrain.
How I like cutting carbs
me, speaking to my daughter’s class on the importance of eating your vitamins: one time i got lost in the forest for so long i dropped dead & a sheepdog ate my carcass.
some smart aleck kid: if you died then how are you here right now?
me: {i look him square in the eyes} vitamins
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
professor x: what’s your super power
owl: terrible memory
professor x: that’s not usef- you can talk!?
owl: who
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Hotels are back
Vader: I’ll teach you the Death Star’s power
Leia: By blowing up my planet?
Vader: By showing you a PowerPoint presentation
Leia: NOOO!!!
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
I asked my waitress if she thought me eating alone was embarrassing and she said, “I work at Cheesecake Factory”
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…