I don’t need David Attenborough narrating animals I need Danny DeVito narrating divorce court
You Might Also Like
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
I get distracted too easily to be a burglar. I’d just end up playing with your dogs, or feeding your fish and then leaving.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
Man, those guys in the Cialis commercial sure are charmed by their wives’ approximations of human behavior
Wait…so I get a million dollars AND I get to punch a baby in the face?
-me when someone asks if I would punch a baby for a million bucks
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
My mom was right. My face did stay this way.
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
[during home renovation]
My spouse, screaming: There’s a dead body in the walls!
Me: What a relief, I was afraid you found mold.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
“I think it might be time to cut back on the energy drinks, Elliott.”
FedEx tracking:
1. we don’t know if ur package exists
2. delivered
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Whenever someone says smart phones are turning people into zombies, look up from your phone just long enough to bite them.
The year 2932, lines for the new iPhone are so long, many die before reaching the end. Those who do, get back in line for the next phone.
I love how once you hit 30 every conversation can be turned into a competition for how little effort was put into pulling a muscle.
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
[lights 2016 calendar on fire]
There. Now you can’t hurt anyone any longer.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
I have been calling a guy on our street John since he and his wife moved here about five years ago.
His name is Dave.
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Me: there’s a swarm of beets outside
Her: you mean bees?
[loud thud on the window]
Me: get the gun
When I was in college, my mother didn’t sleep with my math professor to pass the class, I did. Kids have it so easy now.