*shaking head* I can’t tell which news stories are real or are April Fool’s Day pranks. I mean, you could say “Aliens have landed & have demanded to talk to the whales” & I’d just think “So 2022.”
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Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
kissing is all fun and games until a boy inhales your skeleton through your mouth & uses it to build a house for some other girl
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Having your stuff stolen is the heist form of flattery
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.
Every Father’s Day I think about the time I jokingly asked my 4 year-old daughter if she was going to get me a “World’s Best Dad” mug. “Nope,” she said gravely. “I haven’t met all the dads in the world.”
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
I lost 7 followers today.
It’s nice to know some people are finally reading my tweets
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
*daughter reading
*son playing ipod
*dog sleeping
*house quiet
*I go take a dump
FISTFIGHT BREAKS OUT, DOG’S ON FIRE
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
it’s weird that the skin that holds in all the organs of our body can be opened with a sharp piece of paper seems like a huge design flaw
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
<—- homeless romantic
[trying to stop my toddler’s tantrum in a restaurant]
*harsh whisper* If you don’t cut it out right now then there’s nothing else I can do
I finally spilled coffee over my favourite t shirt and now I can wear it all day any day.
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
[devil’s first day on the job]
human: so i get anything I want?
devil: yes
human: and all you want is my shoe?
devil: just the bottom part, but yes
First date tip: let a photo of a dog fall out of your wallet. When she asks “is that your puppy?” say “No. That’s my dad.” Then storm off.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.