[inventing allergies]
god: make them feel like shit
angel: from what
god: outside
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i hired a cleaning lady but when she got here she refused to wash me like a dog
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
Me: I want Botox.
Husband: What for? Your forehead?
Me:
H:
Me: What’s wrong with my forehead?
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
Romeo and Juliet is not a love story. It’s a 3-day relationship between a 13-year-old and a 17-year-old that cause 6 deaths.
You ever bark back at your dog and then wonder what you just said?
My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
14 put my contact in his phone as birth-giver, his dad as birth-giver assistant, and his sister as rival spawn
One time a girl told me to take off her shirt and I was like wow ok it doesn’t really fit me anyway.
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
Him: Why do you carry a knife?
Me: A sword is harder to hide.
What idiot called it “Fox News” and not “white whine”?
Fact: men are never too busy for sex. It’s been clinically proven, 9 out of 10 men will find time for sex while fleeing a burning building.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
Tire shop owner: Do you know how we could attract more customers?
Employee: [shrugs ] A Big Blowout sale?
Owner: …you’re fired.
My ransom was dropped from $30,000 to fifty bucks when my parents told my kidnappers it’d take 2 days to come up with the money.
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
ME: I can’t believe it’s not butter
FRIEND: This is a shoe
ME: Omg I can’t believe it
[First day of zombie apocalypse]
Me: We have enough food to last 18 months.
Wife: Ok, we need to ration properly-
[Both kids walk in with crumbs on their faces]: Anything left to eat?
ME: goodnight honey
WIFE: goodnight
EVIL BULLFROG THAT LIVES UNDER OUR BED: *angry ribbit ribbit*
BOTH OF US (in unison): goodnight evil bullfrog
*happy ribbit ribbit*