I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
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[identifying body]
Cop: this him?
Me: yea
Cop: he’s burnt pretty bad huh
Me: yea
Cop: …
Me: …
Cop: prolly get a discount on cremation
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
Hey small town pharmacy workers. I’m gonna need you to stop yelling about my meds as I am most certainly surrounded by former teachers, ex boyfriends, and/or relatives.
Me driving through Toronto
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
The first rule of kite club is that we don’t talk about kite club. Last time, the guys from Fight Club heard and they beat us up pretty bad
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
POLICE OFFICER: “Do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “Because you know I love riddles.”
Cute Internet Girl: This guy is pretty funny, I think I’ll fol-
Me: *Human Cannonballs my way into her living room* HELLO!
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Me: I’m making home made soup.
H: Nice, what’s in it?
Me: *Reads ingredients from packet.
Any minute now the cactuses are just going to start walking around and we’re all going to be like how did we not see this coming
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
Very sad to hear about Piers Morgan. Nothing’s happened to him, I’m just very sad to hear about him.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT
Grocery shopping before Christmas is a nightmare… My gallon of milk expired while I was waiting in line….
Always trust the judgements of a man who honestly answers to the question ‘What’s up?’
12 called me when he was out last week. i answered and he seriously goes “hi. this is seth. your son”. does he already think i have dementia? or worse..DO I AND I DON’T KNOW IT?
A sitcom about teen girl aliens called UFOMG.
If it’s in a bowl and it’s before lunch time then technically it’s cereal.
-5 asking for chips for breakfast
I do my civic duty. I vote, I give to charity, and when my teen wanted a Nirvana shirt, I made sure she knew who Nirvana was.
I keep smelling ammonia in my apartment so obviously my organs are failing and I’m going to die. Or a neighbor is cleaning.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
A spider just fell from the ceiling and landed right in front of me and now I have to explain why a woman was screaming in my cubicle.
Why are people still calling my phone I thought we covered this at orientation…
Can’t I have to change my underwear cause I blew my nose too hard
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.