Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
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If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
haven’t exploited a dead relative for attention yet but it’s on the table
No one is shocked when a defibrillator doesn’t work.
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
*sits*
This is nice.
*stands*
This is also pretty cool.
*lays down*
Oh okay this is my favorite.
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
Why is it called “gym rat”? Why can’t I be a “gym koala” or a “gym panda”?
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
[getting murdered]
Hang on, let me clear my browsing history
[funeral]
minister: *makes hilarious joke during eulogy*
guy in casket: i am literally dead
Jesus Christ, google you’re gonna get him killed
*sitting in HR wearing devil horns*
HR: We need to talk about your attire.
Me: I was always told to dress for the job you want.
I am so out of shape right now, that if someone yelled “run for your life!” I’d be like “ya’ll go ahead, I’m meetin’ Jesus today”
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
If Justin Beiber and Rebecca Black were both drowning and you could only save one, would you grab a bite to eat or finish mowing the lawn?
guy at seaworld: “it’s a cross between an eel and a shark, we’re asking everyone to pick a name for him”
wife: “steve”
me: “sharkeel o’neal”
My friend asked for suggestions for something short and funny to watch so I suggested my 12yo son.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
Leaving my browser history open in case anyone in this coffee shop tries to steal my laptop when I’m in the bathroom.
My wife’s written “iron school uniform” on a note. She’s full of bright ideas, but to me this sounds heavy and impractical.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
Let’s throw this crap away, but first lets try to sell it
-yard sale
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*