Putting on mascara without opening my mouth is on my bucket list
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I hear my ex is now into cross dressing & looking for same. At least that’s what the Craigslist ad I just posted on his behalf says.
[american civil war]
soldier: god this is terrible I hope no one reenacts this
when i’m stressed out it really helps to hold all the world’s bad news six inches from my face til 2am
Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Women will never truly be equal as long as they’re smarter than men.
Told my mother that I have a problem with self-loathing. She said at least I’m a good judge of character.
When a cop pulls you over for a DUI at 2am on Friday night & tells you to walk the line-it’s never good to start singing Johnny Cash songs.
No one
An atheist: I am an atheist btw
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
Up to 300 serial killers are active every day but the good news is that some of us have been incapacitated by the internet.
Atleast it’s not a pyramid scheme 🤷🏼♀️😂
Rick Astley: Do you have any Pixar movies I can borrow?
Me: You can have Cars, Toy Story & Ratatouille, but I’m never gonna give you UP.
My husband said he’d gotten an idea for a gift for me from a show he’s been watching. I just realized that thanks to free HBO on Hulu he’s rewatching The Sopranos. Now I’m a bit concerned.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
Me: Baby, would you do that sexy thing with your mouth?
Her: *Yodels*
[FIRST DATE]
Him: “I love science-fiction.”
Me, trying to impress him: “I think the earth is flat.”
It’s a myth that comedians stop being relevant after they turn 40. I managed it in my mid twenties.
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
What doesn’t kill you makes you tired af holy shit