Got a rash on my face in the shape of a roadrunner. I think I might have acme.
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83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
Madam Vice-President-elect Kamala Harris and the silhouette of Ruby Bridges when she was walking to an all-white school, newly desegregated, escorted by four deputy US marshals in 1960.
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
My upstairs neighbor/friend passed away last week. We’d exchange hilarious barbs with every encounter.
His daughter just came to the door.Her: “My Dad really loved you. He left you this to help you with transportation, Ms. Caramel.”
It was a broom! 😂🤣
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.
[during prison riot] guys we don’t need to swear
Me: Yes, I’d like the Mexican massage.
Masseuse: The what?
Me: *hands him taco seasoning and sour cream*
Masseuse:
Me: Let’s go, chop chop.
I once saw a lady called Rachel Smith-Smith on Facebook and I asked her why she didn’t just leave it and save herself the trouble at the DMV and she blocked me
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
ANDY: I clarified your butter.
ME: Ghee! Thanks!
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
a sourdough starter is just an artisanal tamagotchi for millennials
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
Optional boss fight.
[first day as a tsa agent]
me: arms up
guy: [t-pose]
me: [hugs him] you have a great flight
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
[thrift store]
Me: I’d like one thrift, please
Cashier: sir, we sell used-
Me: money is no object
C: we don’t-
M: I need a thrift
Do your part as a parent by helping prevent teen pregnancy.
Let your child play the tuba.
Tuba players never get laid.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
Sorry I embarrassed you when I tried to draft Smaug, but I totally misunderstood the concept of a Fantasy football league.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
I ironed my dress this morning while I was wearing it. So, yes Mensa, I will join your club.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
[Police sketch artist job interview]
“How am I not qualified?”
Your resume is a stick figure and a poorly drawn igloo
“It’s a cat actually”