Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
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Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes
Netflix: Ok tell me one thing that happened in the last episode
Me: What?
Netflix: The guy with the mustache, what’s his name?
Me: Why are you being like this?
Netflix: *sadly* You’re always on that damn phone
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
My signature move is appearing out of nowhere with an emotional support taco
I don’t know, just add a romantic vampire.
~The 2000’s
A snake is what happens when a string goes “what if I was alive and had a weird mad looking head”
My generation acts like they invented podcasts but my mom has been leaving 40min voicemails since before the internet.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
*Me being held for ransom*
Kidnapper: Give us the money or you’ll see him again!
Wife: You should cut the grass.
Me: Yes, dear.
W: And, you really need to trim that bush.
M: *mumbles* Yeah, you too.
W: What?
M: Yes, dear.
Before Isaac Newton discovered gravity everyone had to glue themselves down.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Quick! Everyone on Facebook is at church! Let’s go steal all their shit!
Them: If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead…
Me: I’d want to be alive.
Life hack: Stop looking for love in Tinder or Twitter. Try Linkedin, at least you know they’d all have a job.
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
My neighbors’ trash is almost all empty Sudafed boxes. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out what they are: sick.
FRIEND: what was the best day of ur life
WIFE: our wedding day
ME (thinking of the time the Coke machine gave me 2 cans instead of 1): same
Your 30’s mostly consist of getting excited when you find out a professional athlete is older than you.
Just walked in front of my cat’s screen while he was on a zoom call.
Him: [running his fingers through my hair] is… is this part of a cookie?
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Girl Scout Samoa cookies are my favorite. But they gotta do something about that single serving size box.
Barbie: [whose arms don’t bend] can you help me zip this dress
Ken: [whose hands don’t close] hell no
[party]
ME: You’re out of shrimp.
HOST: That was fast. I’ll get more.
BF: Where are your manners?
ME: Under the heap of shrimp in my purse.
lawyer: if you can stay a night in this house, it is yours. but beware there’s a terrible cu-
millennial: holy shit home ownership? im in
ghost: *appearing* prepare to die
millennial: omg even better
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”