Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
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AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
Have kids so they can tell you at 5am that they must dress as a historical figure today, like your wardrobe is full of apparel from the 1800’s.
I have never heard an armadillo before.
Me: I’m starting my diet today
Husband: I’m picking up some fried bacon wrapped shrimp. Do you wan–
Me: I’ll take a hundred
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
First it’s not safe INSIDE, now it’s not safe OUTSIDE. Who benefit? Big door.
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
[1st moon landing]
Mission Ctrl: Be sure to say something important & profound
Neil: Ok
*steps onto moon*
Neil: *clears throat* I’m a vegan
Remember being young and having your whole life in front of you? Now my back hurts most days and I get unreasonably angry when a car engine is too loud.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
The fact that my predictive text suggests a potato after I type morning instead of a heart is really all you need to know about me
Me: *takes 20 min to get wrapped up in blankets and finally get comfy on the couch in front of the heater*
Also me: *I gotta pee*
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Best Mother’s Day ever started with my 2.5yo sleeping in till 7:30am and falling asleep at 5:30pm!
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
Desperate is following a fake Charlize Theron account with one follower that’s a bot.
My wife gets upset because I like to talk during sex. Last night she hung up the phone on me.
[3am]
no one:
not a soul:
my dog: *wonder if I can break the world record for how loud I lick myself
He told me I was too pretty not to smile.
So I flipped him off, tackled him and shoved my middle finger up his nose.
Now I’m smiling.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
[on my deathbed] everyone’s in here, why are the lights on in the living room?
Teacher: Name the continents
Me: Uh, North America, South America, Africa, uh…Antarctica…
T: Go on
Me: Uhm, Regular Arctica?
T: *sigh*
Me: South Arctica?
friend: they say pennywise takes form of your greatest fear
[later]
tv: the big bang theory marathon starts now!
me: holy shit it’s him
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Every time I go down the village there’s one less child and one more goose and I think we really need to make more ‘Do Not Drink’ warning signs for the cursed well.
If youre a serial killer & you dont call your murder shack a ‘bloodshed,’ well I’ve just about given up on you
Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
I think I will start calling my wife “My Customer” since she is always right…