why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
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All out of clean spoons so I guess I’ll just eat this fat free yogurt with my gun.
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
Sea lions are faster than humans on both land and sea, so if you face one in a triathlon, you really need to make up time on the cycling.
“Why don’t we have sexy time anymore?”
“Because you call it sexy time.”
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
Him: When was the last time a man held a car door open for you?
“When I was arrested” is not the best answer, apparently
For lent, I’m going to give up sexual innuendos but it’s hard… so hard!
I’m sorry I need to take a break from investigating this brutal murder to have a glass of red wine in my sexy, silky, expensive matching lingerie set that I wear every day under my police uniform because I’m a lady detective, and that is what ladies do.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe
girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao
Am I a decent cook who can turn out a killer meal? yes
Will you sometimes still find paper from the stick of butter in my pan? also yes
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
Did you know?
A cowbird will sneak into another bird’s nest, lay her egg, and leave it for the other bird to raise.
And I’ll be damned if that isn’t the best parenting hack I’ve ever heard.
Convince people you own a penguin by putting up a ‘Beware of the Penguin’ sign outside your house.
Who teaches the chickens to fry a steak?
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Son: My pencil is stuck in this Spirograph.
Me: So, you’re having an exitstencil crisis?
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
Boss: You’re late!
M: It’s 6.30am
B: You start at 6am!
M: I know but that’s just crazy. This is better for me.
And now we wait for HR.
me: hey can I read that recipe
internet: here’s a video of how to make it
me: can I just read it
internet: WATCH THE VIDEO
The girl at Starbucks wrote my name as “Meghen” like I lay eggs or some shit.
That awkward moment when the zombie looks for brains and walks right by you
My dad and I went to a restaurant and the waiter pointed at the QR code on the wall and said “thats our menu” and left and my dad looked at it really close and said “Is this some kind of joke”
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] we lost a man, but we gained a corpse
It’s me lowering myself down like the upside down kiss scene in Spider-Man but to eat a croissant out of a bakery display