ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
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I’m at a hockey game and the players weren’t really trying but then a guy 5 rows up yelled “come on” and then they tried harder.
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
You guys know monogamy is NOT a type of wood, right?!?
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
There really should be more social media sites that pit our closest friends against each other to make our top 8.
feeling sad today. can everyone please send cute pictures of their credit card, front and back?
Welcome to your forties, when “the wee hours” now means the time you have to get up at night to pee.
Me: Okay, you’re up
Kid: …. Trick or Treat
Me, opening kitchen cabinet: Look, candy!!
Kid: Mom, this is stupid
Me: Do you want candy or do you want to get infected and die???
My pre-nup will indicate that I’m allowed to unplug your life support system should my phone need charging.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I fold the receipt and place it in my briefcase.
“Now just to be clear, I have to be dead before I use the grave?”
My boss said our teamwork at work should be as good as our teamwork at home with our spouses and all I could think was what kind of crazy marriage does he have?
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
Therapist: What would you say is the most embarrassing thing about yourself?
Me: That I’m here.
Therapist: *tsk,tsk* Therapy is healthy and shameless-
Me: Yeah but on this couch in an Ikea? Don’t you have an office?
Went to the doctor for my lower back pain and he diagnosed me with being 42.
Teacher: Why are you late?
Boy: My fish died.
Teacher: What fish?
Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.
waiter: what’ll it be?
me: I’ll have chameleon
waiter: that’s not on the menu
me: how can you be sure?
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
dry skin? flaky scalp?
discoloration? scaling?
tongue bifurcating all by itself?
hissing? legs fusing together?
recently evicted a gypsy?
[Bruce Wayne enters Gotham Orphanage]
I’ll take your finest orphan.
“Sir, we can’t just give-”
Here’s $50mil.
“Do you like boy acrobats?”
“For a really awkward time, call me.”
-me, leaving my number on bathroom stalls.
Imagine how hard it must have been before photography existed, having to hold a pose in the bathroom while painting your selfie.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.