Birds of a feather flock together, as they are racists too.
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If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
Sensei: Class, one of the principles of judo is using your opponent’s weight against him.
Student: So…we fat-shame him into submission?
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Swiss cheese is cheating cheese cause there’s holes where there could be more cheese stay woke.
i just realized my “for you” feed is actually as enjoyable a scroll as my “following” feed and i’ve never been more devastated in my life
If you can’t afford anal beads eat marbles and wait
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
Dont think about tomorrow because thats when the judge starts using the term premeditated.
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I drew y’all a little something.
Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?
Wife: Did you check in the shower?
Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
Student begins reading poem, teacher interrupts “No this is Creative WRITHING class” Other student squirms around on floor “Very good Todd”
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.
Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.
Me : Correct.
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
ever wonder what the rest of Michelangelo’s David looks like
Old cordless phones, for when you really need to be on the phone, but also need to sword fight the cat.
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
A friend handed my 7yo a coloring page as a gift, and my kid looked at it and muttered jesus christ. So I thought oh no I better watch how I talk around him, then he flipped it over and showed me…baby jesus
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
Wife: Did you pick up the book I asked you to get?
Me: Yes
Wife: Where did you go?
Me: Narnes & Boble
Wife: Did you say Barnes & Noble?
Me: Maybe
Me: I absolutely cannot take a cop in shorts seriously.
Him: Sorry ma’am but I’m still going to have to ask you to come with me.
Me: Haha OK
My therapist: oh my socks are loose
Me:
Me: are you feeling shrinky?
manipulators b like yes i hurt u but now u hate me so I’m the true victim
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.