GOOD COP: We can do the easy way…
BAD COP: Or the hard way.
UNDERCOVER COP: [muffled] Guys, get under the covers with me! It’s so cozy and I have a flashlight and comic books under here!
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For all we know, half the birds are telling the other birds to shut up.
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
we did it you guys we saved daylight
[evil villain turns around in chair to confront adversary but spins too fast and does two complete revolutions before talking]
Worst part of a corporate job is no tips. Someone should slip you a $20 if you write a killer email
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
9yo: That looks heavy.
Me: It is.
9yo: I could help you.
Me: Thanks.
9yo: [runs away]
Me: Where are you going??
9yo: To tell Mommy that you need some help.
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
I want to be rich enough to leave the house-sitter notes like: “If the cheetah looks bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch Friends.”
My smart washer was hacked by the Russians so I couldn’t do laundry today, at least that’s what I’m going to tell her.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus: “People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-“
Voice from the crowd: “DO THE WINE TRICK”
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Her: I love cats
Me: [trying to impress her] me too
Her: what’s your favourite kind
Me: [panicking] uh…doja
[When your mom calls you by your full name]
Mom: Scoobert Doobert!
Scooby: Ruh roh
my psychiatrist told me i seem like i do improv and i literally don’t even know how to take that
Actual text from 17 y/o son:
kin u com bi nd swoop me?
I hope he means hit him with my car, because that’s the plan
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
“I’m constantly quoting myself. Like right now, for instance.”
I just said that.
i came here to try to be funny, but instead, i’ve made a lot of friends. i count that as a massive failure
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
i want wolverine claws. not for violence or anything. i want them for easing my way through reality. like opening an amazon package. or killing a neighbor.
Is it wrong when your therapist invites other therapists to your session, wine is flowing, appetizers are served, and he says to you, begin?
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
Life would be so much easier if my cat drove.