Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
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Judge: how do you plead?
Me: like this 🙏
[first day as a detective]
cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene
me: *under breath* birds
My friend sent me an invitation to an “Interactive Murder Mystery Dinner” which is great because I’ve always wanted to decline one of those.
I can’t lose weight, that’s where all my fattitude is
Worst bar ever.
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
tell your crush that you love them before
Pete Davidson will.
“i cnat believe this!” he yells as his beard of bees turns on him. “i would expect this from the others but not u” he says to 1 specific bee
I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Reality show idea: “So You Think You Can Touch Mike Tyson’s Nose.” Hidden camera. Tyson isn’t in on it.
This story is comedy gold 😂
Instead of saying “I’ll use the wheelchair ramp,” I like to say “I’m hitting the slopes.”
shoutout to the guy who invented the term “water resistant”. a true hall of fame lie
YOU (falling prey to the pathetic fallacy): The sky is angry tonight.
ME (science-loving, dispassionate): Everything is angry all the time.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
New menu item
I set my alarm in a way to try to trick morning-me into getting up earlier, but morning-me is a math wizard and cannot be fooled.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
For a brief moment, I got excited because I thought my toothpaste said anti-plague instead of anti-plaque.
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
Don’t stand there judging me.
Have a seat. This could take awhile.
I tried to be domestic & cook. Microwave is on fire. A waffle maker, 3 pans, a toaster & my neighbors cat in the trash. Making soup is HARD!