he looks great for his age
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All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
Me, today: don’t text and drive
Me, in 1999: *driving and flipping through a 96 disc binder looking for deftones*
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in
I wanna go out
I wanna come in-My dog, all day long.
where do you see yourself in five years?
Could you even imagine the crime rate if no one drank coffee or ate bacon.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Fall Out Boy: she says she’s no good with words but I’m worse
Me: how so?
Fall Out Boy: restouaraunt
Me: ok you win
Harry: so a time turner turns back time
Dumbledore: yes
Harry: to, say, stop two murders
Dumbledore:
Harry: hello
Dumbledore [loudly chewing jelly beans]: crazy how Pluto isn’t a planet anymore lol
C’mon, dude. Man up and ask her if she likes me.
To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
“I just threw up in my mouth a little.” – Cows
Unsuspecting male: So what kind of restaurants do you like?
Me: Open ones.
I don’t even bother moving when my Fitbit is charging. There’s no point.
I saw death today, in the face of the man at the next table, as I heard his wife say “I don’t know, do you THINK I look fat?”
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
You know who else doesn’t leave another man’s girlfriend alone?
Mosquitos
My wife:“That’s not the shirt I sent her to daycare in.”
Me:“But it’s the right kid?”
Wife: “Yes.”
Me: “Awesome. I’m going to play Xbox”
I spent all day yesterday trying to fix our POS roomba
Then the wife came home and asked why I had the bathroom scale tore apart
I guess we don’t have a roomba
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
If you truly want my undivided attention start to tell me something then say never mind
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
I just yelled, “1, 2, 3 mommy is lava!” and my kids ran away, leaving me to drink my coffee in peace. I’m pretty sure I’ve peaked for the day.