There’s 3 parents in my kids lives and each of us does our best to raise them as best as we can.
My husband is great with playing games with them.
I’m good at taking them outside to play.
And Stevie the TV babysits them the rest of the day.
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A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.
Fool me 53 times a day, you’re an Instagram filter.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
[Movie Theater]
ME: I’ll take a medium popcorn.CASHIER: For just $2 more you can get it in a tub so big no human could actually finish it.
ME: No thanks.
CASHIER: It comes with free refills.
ME: I do like free refills…
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
I hope my dog doesn’t turn out weird because she’s being homeschooled.
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I’m tired of hearing that a traditional family is the only way to have a family. A family can be two parents & their kids. It can be a group of friends that love each other or it can be one woman that is followed around by a mysterious flock of blackbirds. Your family is valid.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
I usually base my religious and political beliefs on flyers and pamphlets handed to me on the street.
me: do you want to feel my face, i’m very handsome
blind date: you do know i’m not actually blind, right?
me: *stuffing ryan gosling bust back into my bag* yes of course
A bunch of bras is called a support group.
Thanks for following.
Jackie Chan turns 65 today and he’s still able to beat the living shit out of all us with a ladder
[CPR dummy coming home from work]
WIFE: is that lipstick on your face? who’s been *does the air quotes gesture* ‘resuscitating’ you today huh?
DUMMY: for the last time Carol it’s my job
Good guy: *kills henchman*
Henchman: wow
Good guy: [to bad guy] I’m not going to kill you, that would make me a murderer like you
Henchman: WOW
*Dabs maple syrup on wrists and behind my ears
‘Sup.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
[Space]
No-one: I can hear screaming
therapist: you need healthy coping mechanisms
me: hmmm *writes note*
therapist: what did you just write
me: doesn’t feel so great does it
I bet everyone had that one weird uncle who taught them how to do weird stuff like forage for berries or catch upstream salmon in their mouths and sleep for 6 months at a time just like my Uncle Bear
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.