[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
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Returns clerk: Was something wrong with this birdseed?
Me: It didn’t grow a single bird.
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
I’m like Harvard. Hard to get into, but once you’re in, everyone is super impressed.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
I’m what you might call ‘internet pretty’, meaning I’m really your dad.
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
An amish party in the desert called churning man.
My 12 yr. old girl is having a sleepover tonight.
She told me, “DO NOT EMBARRASS ME!”
I’m considering twerking to Ace of Base later.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
boss: you’re fired
me: [slamming fist on couch] you woke me up for this?
Don’t know if it’s the cape, the boom box or the telescope, but it’s getting so a guy can’t even bbq on his roof without attracting attention.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
I’ve decided to become a Disney princess*
*pretend a witch cursed me and stay in bed all day
I had a stalker once but he saw me eating soup
Do cute firemen still come when a cat is stuck in a tree?
Only in case of fire?
Fine. But pretty sure my cat won’t like being set on fire.
You can tell an awful lot about a person by the way they boil their underpants.
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
WIFE: You’re embarrassing, ridiculous and an ill informed pseudo intellectual.
ME: “Your”
A tornado can get rough quickly, so it’s important to agree on a safe word before having sex with a tornado.
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
me: my loofah completely fell apart in the shower
prison guard: those are ramen noodles
Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
when you smoosh the tiny bar of soap into the big bar of soap and make them one soap
“If you could read my mind, love…”
– Gordon Lightfoot“Why the hell would think I’d want that for Christmas?!?”
– my wifeSame
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.