“I’m so hungry I could eat a-”
*walks by burger joint*
“nope, had one yesterday”
*walks by hot dog stand*
“closer”
*walks by stable*
“HORSE”
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*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
Therapist: let鈥檚 work on some realistic expectations
Me: *still straining to lift a tissue box using the Force*
My family doesn’t get together a lot during the holidays.
We see each other enough throughout the year at all the interventions.
my mom has been using 馃挦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it鈥檚 so quiet in here.
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
Me: Can you get me more sports drink at the store?
Wife: Beer isn鈥檛 a sports drink
Me: I drink it while I watch sports.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Me: you need to show me you can be more responsible
7: I AM RESPONSIBLE *drops scissors next to 9mo baby sister*
Saw a vulture hauling a carcass across the highway. Thought of you
Finally got the kids to rub my back by pretending it was ticklish
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
If a woman is in Lowe鈥檚 buying a plunger, she doesn鈥檛 want to be hit on. She鈥檚 dealing with enough shit already.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Washing machine: Hey, your laundry’s done.
Me: May I have it?
Washing machine: No, hang on, I need 30 seconds to say goodbye.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Verizon: congrats you get a free phone if you spend $300 for a charger and $30 for a set up fee and $50 for a phone case and $500 for us to not be rude to you.
people with the flu: *stay in bed*
people with corona:
A work from home email:
Dear mom,
Per my last email, I would love a grilled cheese for lunch, at your earliest convenience. Please advise.
Best,
Gwynn Ballard
Manager of House Operations
Imagine the shock of seeing her in RL with her average sized eyeballs and no antlers…
No matter how many shocking surprises life throws at you, you’re never quite prepared to hear a British person pronounce the word “vitamin”
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!馃槀馃槶馃槶
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
GF: So we just wanted to say we’re engaged!
HER DAD [looks at me] you should have asked me first
ME: You’re not really my type though
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.
[bleeding out]
ER Doctor: do you know your blood type?
ME: I’ve never really thought about it TBH. As long as it has a good personality
*deleted Titanic scene*
Jack: don’t worry Rose, fat floats
Rose: so do doors with only ONE person on it!!
Avengers Endgame and the Battle of Winterfell coming out the same weekend is like when your history teacher and your English teacher both assigned papers due the same day except instead of homework it’s emotional labor
my girlfriend was cold so i bought her a fur coat. #Snowmageddon2015