Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
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Unless you’re turned on by a description of a homeless person under a bridge don’t ask me what I’m wearing.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
*stands on scanner at self checkout, weighing self after keying in mango code, just to see what net worth is in mangoes
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Parenting Hack: slide a little cash your kid’s teacher’s way, & all of his crafts projects will “mysteriously” disappear after being graded.
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
You don’t scare me. You’re not the evil eye I get from my dog when I make him get up from the couch so I can lay down.
i made way too much chili and i’ve been eating way too much chili and at this point i’m like 87% chili
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
he was correct
I hope that when the zombies finally do come, they’re all dyslexic and they only go after Brians.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
*drives motorized scooter into meeting I’m late for, around the conference table, and out the door*
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
4yo: You have wrinkles.
My Friend: Those are pillow indentations.
Me: But you have them every day.
Friend: I sleep every night.
If you’ve ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
It’s spirit day dress as your idol and my son went as his dad and my daughter went as me and her twin went as a dog. Note to reader: we don’t have a dog.
INTERVIEWER: nice to meet you, why don’t you have a seat
ME: omg was I supposed to bring one
Confusing the word, “jacuzzi” with, “yakuza” has gotten me in hot water with the Japanese mafia more than once.
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
[first day selling houses]
me: shits about to get realty
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
*plans eclipse viewing party*
*buys special glasses*
*gets plenty of snacks and drinks**wakes up to pouring rain*
*goes back to sleep*
Digging through a box in the closet, I found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was almost a year ago.