Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
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People are like, “You’re not allowed to have a favorite child.” Blah, blah, blah.
And I’m like, “BUT YOU SHOULD SEE THIS KID SHOVEL SNOW!”
Jurassic Park but with ferrets instead of dinosaurs.
Me: I’m nervous about mingling at the party
Wife: Just talk about stuff anyone can relate to[Party]
Me: HI I UNDERSTAND YOU TOO ARE HUMAN
The best things in life are free.
Stealing is awesome.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Getting older sucks. I hurt my back trying to flirt.
I neither like nor want to date Taylor Swift, but I know at some point it’ll just be my turn.
‘Hello Microsoft support, what’s the nature of the problem?’
‘Eggshell’
‘Eggshell??’
‘Yesh’
‘Oh hello again Mr Connery. Spreadsheet issues?’
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
What idiot decided to call them koalas instead of awww-stralians?
Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
Jacob Marley: Tonight you’ll be visited by 2 ghosts.
Scrooge: I thought it was 3.
Jacob Marley: Lol no it’s 2017 there is no future.
His hearts in his throat
His lungs in his knee
His stomachs inside out
Frankenstein:*Rubs temples* Igor *sigh*its like ur not even trying
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
Person: How do you go to the bathroom?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I drink a lot of fluid and after a few hours, my body tells me it needs to come out.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
I am a:
⚪️ boy
⚪️ girl
🔘 dormant ancient forest spiritseeking a:
⚪️ lover
⚪️ friend
🔘 mortal to accidentally open a cursed text and release me from my slumber to seek revenge on those who sought to bind my power
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
He reacted like the people in those David Blaine street magic videos
Groom: Dude, the invitation was for Gandalf the Grey.
Gandalf: Oh, it’s Gandalf the White now.
Bride: [fuming]
Gandalf: [looks fabulous]
Me: ‘I miss you.’
The Point: ‘No shit.’
HER: I wanna be your everything.
ME: That’s great, cause I need a therapist.
HER: No, not like-
ME: So doc *lays on couch* I feel like my girlfriend’s moving too fast.
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not a bowl of mashed potatoes.
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
[First Date]
Her: I love Christmas.Me (trying to impress her): *Pretending I got a phone call* Sorry, it’s my boss, I need to take this. Yes? Oh, hello SANTA.