ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
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Nonparents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesnt want to do, and he would obey
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
It was only a three dollar bottle of Chardonnay, but we partied like it was $19.99
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
So, I went to look into this Eat Clean Bro thing, I accidentally put in Eat Bro Clean and well, that is a different kind of diet.
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
sin harder.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
My wife reads two books a week and I just told my son that an idiom is a group of idiots.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
If satan isn’t real then who invented 3rd grade recorder flute concerts
why am I working on Labor Day
Daughter: what does biography mean?
Me: it’s when you tell a story about someone.
[later at movie night]
Wife: let’s watch Cars.
Daughter: [whispers] autobiography.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.
My mom texted to say she found my younger son’s water bottle in her car and I was like, “yeah, he pretty much sheds reusable water bottles, Hot Wheels and raincoats”
Me: I like how you dyed all the meat green for St. Patrick’s Day.
Chipotle manager: It’s St. Patrick’s Day?
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
Next time a stranger talks to me when I’m alone, I will look at them shocked and whisper “You can see me?”..
ME: welcome home John Wick
JOHN WICK: thanks roomie. How’s my tamagotchi?
ME: *starts sweating profusely*
When a shoelace touches your ankle
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
[walks into Halloween party with a hot dog taped to my head]
“What are you supposed to be?”
ME: I’m not wearing a costume
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
The first guy that paid for life insurance died never knowing if it was a scam.
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.