If a girl says she wants to have seggs with you, she means six hard boiled eggs
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[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
YOU THINK CONDOMS ARE STUPID???
My 2yr old just cried for 45 minutes because the TV in our car isn’t as big as the TV in our house…
I just want to be the best that I can be without getting up
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
Memo to self: When trying to set someone on fire, it’s important to use gasOLINE and not your own gas, no matter how much cabbage you may have had the night before.
Men think us women dream of finding the perfect man when really, all we want is to eat anything without getting fat.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Apparently saying “If you think your wife is fat now, wait till she has the baby” is not a good way to congratulate someone.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
Paying bills, or as I call it, the race to a zero balance
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
interviewer: can you use word
me: buddy [putting hand on his shoulder] I can use a lot of words
the statue of liberty was a trojan horse thing but it was too hard to break out of and it’s full of skeletons now
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
I thought pansexual was a type of pizza crust.
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
[marriage counseling]
She’s always getting mad at me
“There’s a shark living in our pool”
IT WAS SHARK WEEK AND HE WAS ON SALE, KAREN
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Where do bad rainbows go?
To prism. It’s a light sentence, but it gives them time to reflect.
11:14
20s: Rage Against The Machine
30s: Rage Against Literally Everything
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
if you ever see me shirtless, galloping past you majestically on horseback, call an ambulance because i don’t know what i’m doing
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video.
Cryptocurrency, but it’s just dead people buying stuff.
If you take your antidepressant prescription to the pharmacy in your wedding gown while sobbing incoherently, they will fill it instantly.
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
If you really loved me, you’d punch bumblebees, buy me a pot belly pig and wash my Jeep with your ferret.
Saying it, is just words.
My iPhone: Face ID
Me: 💁♀️
My iPhone : hmm.. passcode
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing