[I’m the Director of the Pentagon but that kid Skyler from down the street won’t stop bullying me]
ME: *sobbing* stop! stop it!
SKYLER: *using my hands to tap on missile control panels* quit nuking yerself! quit nuking yerself! ahaha
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Never underestimate what a woman will do for love.
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
‘We both know you need to pee:’
~the monster under my bed
I haven’t bought my kids gingerbread houses since the year they turned them into crime scenes with chalk outlines.
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
(6yo student hugging me first thing in the morning, head against my jacket)
Me: You were absent yesterday. Were you sick?
6yo: No, I had lice.
When your pet is staring at you, it’s probably thinking “I wonder how long those things live.”
Chad: But I don’t want to advertise escorts or be known for shady stuff.
Craig: Then I’ll start my own list.
My doctor just used a tongue depressor on me so I’m going out for ice cream to cheer the little guy up.
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
Shout out to political bumper stickers, changing nobody’s mind and lowering the value of your car and whatnot.
Me: I’m so sick and I can’t taste anything
Disgusting cough syrup: Wanna bet?
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
Maintaining my stance that groceries are sexist until they start selling grampulated sugar
Everyone makes mistakes. Please make yours far from me.
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
[Invention of the airplane]
Wilbur: We’re ready
Orville: I’m still skeptical about this working
Wilbur: Hey, do you want to fight the moon or not?
Orville: *angrily making a fist* Let’s go
doctor: your wife is not responding
husband: is she mad at you
My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
If someone stole my identity I would be like, “Haha now you have no money and you’re bad at basketball.”
harry: finding these “horcruxes” sounds hard
dumbledore: nah. youve destroyed some on accident and one “might” be you
harry: kinda anticlim..wait wh-
dumbledore: theres also 3 legendary items called the deathly hallows
harry: hell ya
dumbledore: one is your blankey
Apparently the first thing you should say after you back over your wife’s foot is “I’m sorry” not “I guess that means no sex tonight”
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Signed, sealed, delivered.
Me: Wrong address.
Him: Why are you so obsessive? Why can’t you just let things go?
Me: *sighs and puts my 24 page essay on why toast is terrible back into my briefcase*