When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
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[two women sunbathing in garden]
“It’s so nice out here”
“Where’s that creepy guy who lives next door?”
HEDGE “He’s away for the weekend”
A meth lab sounds like a terrible dog.
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
Currently the sexiest person in this empty field.
The ones you keep closest to your heart hurt you the most.
Like the underwire in my bra that tried to stab me.
*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*
Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.
Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?
Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.
Dracula:
Her: oh
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
6yo (to her crying brother): “It’s okay to be sad, sometimes we need to let our feelings out, just let yourself be sad.”
Me: “Oh darling, that’s so lovely, well done. Why is he crying?”
6yo: “I hit him.”#mumlife
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they’ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
i actually have so much empathy for pigeons. we’re all just waking around the city together eating garbage and almost getting hit by cars
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
I avoid being photographed at events held at my apartment complex. I don’t need someone pointing to a picture and saying,”That’s him.”
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
Skrillex! It’s your cousin Marvin. Marvin Skrillex! Know that sound you’ve been looking for? I think I found it! *holds phone up to blender*
Him: You need to work on your communication skills
Me: [through megaphone right up in his face] PLEASE BE MORE SPECIFIC
FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!
Kids: We’re hungry!
Me: You’re in luck. I have just the thing.
The thing:
[first date]
her: do u like cats or dogs better
me: [scanning menu] what page are u on
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I’m sorry you never experienced someone getting so drunk, kidnapping a chicken and then fighting a stop sign, all in the name of love of you.
I went with 4 to the supermarket and she insisted on pushing the trolley. Every time I went to help she yelled at me so I’d just like to apologise to the 382 people she injured while we were there
Colleague: any children?
Me: we’ve got 2 amazing kids
Wife: We’ve got 3 kids
Me: I stand by what I said
One time we sold our house and when we were moving my husband commented how the blinds never collected dust. “Let’s try to buy those same blinds!”
Me, the invisible duster: ok