IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
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When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
I’ve trained my cat so that when I call his name he stares at me coldly for 6 seconds and then leaves the room for 2-5 hours.
The only time I chase guys is when they try to steal my food
The squirrels on campus are getting bold. I was eating a pop tart outside and a squirrel came over and stole my credit card information
As a kid my grandma would put loaves of bread in the freezer and then defrost them. She told me it was the best way to make something last longer.
Looking back, little Harry the hamster never stood a chance.
Cover letter? Here’s my resume twice.
I hate it when people think I’m staring when really I’m trying to kill them with my mind.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
You think people who drink the energy drinks would have enough energy to put the cans in the bin rather than on the ground.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
First zoom call: wears business casual, styles hair, places orchid in view of camera
Latest zoom call: Holding a beer at 9am, wearing Biore strip, blood on shirt, do not know whose
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
POLICE CHIEF: so did you solve the case
ME: not yet, I spent all week hanging these pictures and newspaper clippings on the wall and connecting them with yarn
CHIEF: …
ME: looks cool doesn’t-
CHIEF: totally looks cool
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
Dr: Take two tablets at 7pm every night. Not too late!
~later~
5pm: Nah too early
6pm: Still too early
6:45pm: Ooh nearly tablet time
11pm: shit
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
What wine pairs best with concession stand popcorn? Asking for the thermos I’m taking to this high school football game.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend
“Quinoa” sounds like something a ninja would say before kicking you.
Me: Screams into the void
Void: screams back
Me: Screams into void again
Void:
Me:
Void: welp this is awkward, but I was actually screaming to the person behind you
[sees kid crying]
Kid: Im lost
Me: that’s ok. We’re all lost. Happiness is an illusion. Life is meaningless. Death is around the corner. Bye
People with good posture are so reckless. Why are you sticking your head into the sky with all the crows and frisbees? Come back down here where it’s safe.
I wore skinny jeans once, it looked like when you try to get a tent back in a bag and give up half way
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
me: “SHE LEAVES THE VOLUME ON ODD NUMBERS”
priest: [slowly closes bible]