8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
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you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
in chinese “māo” means cat so when we meow at our kitties we’re just shrieking CAT at various frequencies
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
DARTH VADER: the plans for the jeff star are complete my lord
DARTH SIDIOUS: *jeff* star?
DV: fire!
[jeff star kills like, 7 or 8 jeffs]
I’m not flirting with disaster, I’m just Liking her selfies.
3yo: I want to have a real turkey on Fanksgiving
Me: Yes, Grandma will have real turkey when we go to her house.
3yo: And I will pet him! And him will say “gobble gobble.”
😬
I really want a Popsicle but I’m so not in the mood for Freezer Jenga.
Sometimes I wear my panties over my skinny jeans so I feel like a sexy superhero. And so strangers won’t talk to me at the grocery store.
Double whammy. First date is turning out to be fun & I also go to meet my hero Chris Hansen from Catch a Predator.
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
My flight was delayed 3 hours so I was doing what any human does when they’re bored. Minding my own business swiping through tinder & the guy behind me goes “ouch hard no for that one?” And I turn around ONLY TO SEE THE MAN I JUST SWIPED NO ON BEHIND ME HAHAHA
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Me: Can I have some of your candy?
3-year-old: Can I have some of your beer?
Me:
3:
Me:
3:
Me: Deal.
Wife: NO!
I wish that I had the confidence of my 12 year old who is staring me down as he eats the last ice cream cone that I had hidden in the freezer.
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
4 was mean to his brother so I read him a story about an unkind crab who becomes stuck in a trap. 4 asked, “Did this happen because the crab was mean?”
Sensing a good opportunity, I shut the book and said, “Yes. And they ate him. The end.”
Sleep well tonight, kid.
What’s it called when a super model wants to date an accountant?
Wishful thinking. Obviously
For some reason people who say “Fight me!” never expect that first punch.
Don’t call me a pessimist. Call me a cynic. A cynic sounds smarter.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
Recently, I’ve been politely refusing all invitations with, “I’d rather drink my own blood.”
At the dmv waiting outside for my daughter to fill out paperwork. I’m remembering when I was 16 and my dad backed the car into the spot so I could just pull forward with the test guy. It worked! And 35 years later, I still can’t back out very well.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.