Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. đ
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I always go the extra mile,
which is why my friends don’t let me drive
Pasta aisle is cleaned out because thatâs all most people know how to cook.
âEasy as pieâ does not sound easy to me. Make it âEasy as Hot Pocketsâ or âEasy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridgeâ
i used to enjoy weather like âsunnyâ or rainyâ or cloudyâ iâm glad that 2023 is showing us that it can innovate and give us weather like âsmokeâ
Me, age 18: I’ll be a homeowner by the time I’m in my 30s
Me, in my 30s: I own a single pair of matching socks
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
ME (a ghost): You know how Bill Nye used to say “don’t try this at home”? Well, I did, and he kicked in the door and shot me in the face.
This day in history. 1999. Eminem’s mother sued him for 10 million dollars acting on behalf of the family swear jar.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
“Here, throw this away for me.” ~ People who hand out leaflets.
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susieâs dad has a boat.
As someone with extensive IT experience, I can almost guarantee the AT&T outage yesterday was over some certificate expiring somewhere and nobody knowing how to regenerate it because Carl got laid off seven years ago and the only machine with the keys decommissioned in 2019.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!đđđ
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
Back on campus for the new semester and a younger fellow student asked me what I teach
I thought about poking him in the eye and saying âa lessonâ
My cat is so finicky. I finally gave up and taught him how to order Uber Eats for himself.
are you comfortable? perfect, your kid needs something
mugger: gimme all your cash
me: lmao my what
If you think women are the weaker sex, try pulling the blankets back to your side.
a midwest state really had a âhusband callingâ competition
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
therapist: and what did we say you should do when youâre feeling upset?
me: order a large pizza and eat it in the shower while thinking of ways to avenge those who hurt me
therapist: no
Dear men,
Keep giving her little surprises to keep the romance alive in your relationship.
Buy flowers for her for no reason.
Bring her breakfast in bed.
Throw a snake at her face while she’s driving.
The woman selling sea shells by the sea shore must have had a strong personal brand to overcome such a poor business model.
My imaginary friend says you need a therapist.
they should put shopping carts in the middle of grocery stores for us idiots who think we can carry our groceries but end up getting too much shit and constantly dropping it all over the store