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How come we never describe an arsonist as someone who lit up a room?
This bottle of vodka was on sale.
So yes, I will party like it’s $19.99.
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
Sorry I’m late, my toddler declared independence.
Frog: WAKE ME UP!
Snake: Wake me up inside!
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Mom just reminded me of the time I got in trouble at church for purposefully and repeatedly pronouncing the “Ch” sound in Christ and pretending that I hadn’t heard the correct pronunciation before.
I would have a shitload of money if I liked Ramen Noodles and hated vodka.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I hate it when my husband starts tossing around unnecessary words like “budget” & “shopaholic.”
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I’m a little sad about my weight gain, but like they say, “suck it up, cup of butter.”
My husband came into the room said something then got into his car and left. He could be going to the store for milk or running for the Canadian border, I wasn’t listening.
*cat lays on my leg*
*I remain perfectly still for hours, so she won’t leave*
*I move half an inch*
*cat buys bus-ticket for next town over*
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
Me (screaming in baby’s face): EITHER KILL ME OR MAKE ME STRONGER!!!!
So, wearing fur is wrong but wearing a Hawaiian shirt is OK? Do they even know how many Hawaiians had to die to make that shirt?
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Oh you’re a yogi name one picnic basket you’ve stolen
[opening can of Russian Pringles]
once u pop u [inside can is a slightly smaller can]
huh [inside that can is an even smaller can]
wtf [in..
[feudal japan]
ME: we are disgraced! we must commit sudokuOTHER SAMURAI: *disemboweling himself* it’s called seppuku
ME: *sharpening pencil* you do you buddy
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
My 5 y/o: ugh, all we have is cereal for breakfast
[Next morning, after I make pancakes]
My 5 y/o: I’ll have cereal
emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.
If you’re really not supposed to mix vodka with nail polish remover it should say so on the bottle
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.