Him: what are you thinking about?
Me: how difficult do you think it would be to debone the little mermaid if you planned on filleting and eating her?
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[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
just discovered the true meaning of family and it turns out to be noun, a group of people related to each other by blood or marriage 😭😭
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
To get rid of house guests I just move them from room to room closing doors until they’re on the porch and I’m behind the locked door.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
My 8yo’s looking for a summer job. He’s a pretty decent bartender if anyone’s hiring.
Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
H: I think we should see other people.
Me: Do I have to? I don’t even really want to see you.
Clark Kent: *sets glasses on kitchen table*
Lois Lane: Is that our table? I don’t recognize it.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Me: *lets a radio active spider bite me*
[hours later]
Me: * uncontrollably eating bugs* THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE DEAL
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Ever since they started calling pole dancers “artists,” I’ve been writing on my resume that my talents include “moving in artistic circles.”
My mom has more confidence in the people of Oak Island finding the treasure than me finding another husband
KID911: wats ur emergency
SON: sister is staring at me
KID911: did you tell her to stop
SON: yes! she isnt even blinking
KID911: omg ok take a deep breath
KID911: now scream for mom
My kids are so sweet! Even if they wake up early, they’ll destroy the house quietly so I can still rest.
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
*Toddler walks up, kisses my knee, turns away*
“Aw! Aren’t you sweet?”
*Toddler kisses refrigerator, cabinet door and dishwasher*
“Oh.”
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
My son said it’s not fair I’m the only one that sleeps alone because my sisters sleep together and so do you and dad. I said I totally understand you can sleep with dad and I’ll take your room.
A kid in the park informed me smoking was bad for you.
So I popped his balloon with my cigarette & told him so was talking to strangers.
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
Body by cheese-puffs.