This why you should mind your business
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My daughter told me that I should be a little faster with her laundry and asked if I could fold things a little neater. She had a whole near-death experience and didn’t even realize.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
“john could tell that emily was getting tired of him narrating their date”
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
A cartoon bear needs me to prevent forest fires, Becky. That’s why I can’t go to your stupid wedding.
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
I bought a 3D printer, now I can print a moral compass
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
[driving to a party]
WIFE: please try to spice up your stories a little bit tonight[at the party]
ME: my doctor prescribed me a new blood pressure medicine *glances at wife* so i murdered him
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
this came to me in a vision
interviewer: what was your last job
me: health angel
interviewer: oh so you worked at like a spa
me: no thilly, I drove a motorthycle
[There could only be a finite number of possible outcomes to a situation that you are likely to face tommorrow]
Your Anxiety: ummm lets see!
are we supposed to just accept that gingerbread men live in houses built from the flesh of their fellow men
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?
Dogs get it.
Next time, join in.
Someone screamed when they saw me naked for the first time to the other day
People at Costco really need to be less sensitive
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
I never judge a book by its cover.
People, though, I can tell are evil by their stupid faces.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
If you burned CDs for the car so your original copies wouldn’t get scratched, it’s time to schedule your colonoscopy.