Met this chinese guy with the surname Shen. His name’s Eric. As in Eric Shen. Have him for more than 4hours, call a doctor!
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2016: imagine the worst case scenario.
2019: no, not like that, worser
found this cool rock hiking today
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
JOSEPH: who did you name me after?
ME: you were named after my grandfather
GREGGNOG: what about me dad?
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
If they can put a man on the moon they can make a pair of glasses that scream before you sit on them
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
We’re just a typical family. My wife is in the kitchen baking her secret recipe cupcakes and my sons are outside lighting the shed on fire.
Pro tip:
Win every food fight by throwing heavy, dense frozen items.
Attorney: identity theft is a serious crime
John Jacob Jingleheimerschmidt: i will explain once more
How come in movies, all vampires hang out at techno/electro clubs? You never see a vampire country bar. I want to see vampire line dancing.
If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Sincere, like a compliment from a car salesman.
Travel tip: If you’re gonna have a double Bloody Mary at the airport, remember to bring $17,000.
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
haha same
Welcome to parenthood. Every piece of trash in your house is now a makeshift toy that you are not allowed to throw out.
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
ME: Hold on, let’s stay in the car until the song ends.
UBER DRIVER: No.
a Pride of Lions. A Murder of Crows. a Fame of Pete Davidson Exes
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Netflix announces price hike where you still pay $5.99 a month even if you don’t have an account.
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
When Dorothy told the scarecrow she’d miss him most, I wanted the lion and tin man to set him on fire. I told my parents that, in case they got any ideas about showing favoritism.
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Sorry I’m late, there was traffic and I lied about when I left.
Went to HR to complain about my coworkers but my mom said she can’t fire my kids
Old guys always send me a “Good morning beautiful” and never a “V, you are the only beneficiary of my 3 million dollars life insurance”… Romance is dead
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.