Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
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(Don’t let her know you can’t read)
Yes I’ll have this
*points to menu*
-So you want the gratuity of 15% added to parties of 8 or more?
Shit
on Friday I was working from home and I didn’t want to talk during a meeting so I disconnected my wifi to pretend I was having connection problems but I forgot I was the guy sharing my screen so everybody saw me do it
I’d say 20% of my day is spent trying to convince the dog we’re not about to be murdered by the UPS guy, mailman, squirrels, ice dispenser..
professor x: what’s your superpower
me: i get everyone fired
ex professor: what wait no
Coworker: How’s your worksite?
Me: I can see my work fine thank you.
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
*Walking with wife listening to Dust In The Wind*
Me: This is our song.
*A dude walks by listening to it*
Me: That’s OUR song! GIVE IT BACK!
Due to the Corona Virus safety guidelines, hairdressers are now required to keep smalltalk to a minimum.
Introverts: Praise Jesus!
officer: give me your name
me: then what am I going to use?
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Dammit! Woke up before I went to sleep, again.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Googling definitions of well known words daily so if I need to I can plead insanity
#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
[FBI job interview]
“Do you have any self defense training?”*flashback to hiding behind fence from teenagers* Yes I’m skilled at fencing.
If you love something, set it free…
Except if ‘It’ is a man.
Because he’ll get lost,
and won’t ask for directions.
I want my tombstone to say “Actually, i’m feeling much better”
I plan on spending the weekend in a vintage perfume ad (walking, staring, hair, wind).
My walk of shame is leaving a handicapped restroom stall while trying not to make eye contact with the wheelchair guy who was waiting on me.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
I won’t tell anyone if I win the lottery,
but there will be signs…
All I want is for someone to push me up against a wall
Lean in
And whisper ‘I’ll do your housework’
how do we expect our kids to learn from our mistakes when we’re still out there buying too many bananas just like our parents did
[Struts in lookin fly as heck in my speedo, shower cap and armfull of baby dolls
struts out with new understanding of the term baby shower]
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
ME: this one time me and my friends went camping and-
DATE: “my friends and i”
ME: so this one time me and my friends and i went camping and
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor