Yard reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Amazing milkshakes”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Too many boys”
You Might Also Like
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
When people say I don’t mean to brag they’re bragging about not bragging.
Five drunk guys will start a FIGHT.
But five stoned guys will start a BAND!
All these people casually jogging down the street, and then me, looking like I’m trying to pull an invisible dog sled.
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Idea for dieting: Fridges with mirrors.
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Leaving a watermelon on someone’s doorstep in the middle of night is a pretty inexpensive way to occupy a portion of their mind forever.
Name please
“Yo-Yo Ma”
Your full name
[quietly] “Yoghurt-Yoghurt Marmalade”
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
Monopoly taught me that to become a truly successful property owner, I’m going to have to go to jail on a regular basis.
Get noticed by more companies on LinkedIn by adding af to the end of all of your job titles.
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You get a fish bite!
You’re all getting fish bites!– OPiranha
A Spanish friend working in UK happily for years reply to taunts re being kicked out: “Well, I can choose 27 other countries; you can’t”
love when my grandparents tell me the story of how they met and got together because suddenly I find myself googling things like “statute of limitations India” “how to report a crime from 1942” “can I report a crime in India if I live in America”.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
Meow
Accidentally typed ‘Edgar Allan Pie’ and now I’m in the mood for a sullen and morose dessert
Oh really, we have nothing in common? Then how do you explain neither of us being able to stand me
Welcome to your 40’s. Each year, you need to hold your phone another inch farther from your face.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.