My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
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Your husband’s super cute, is he single?
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
I’m on to you, Jake Gyllenhaal. I know you’re hiding another vowel in your name.
I’ve found god.
It’s my turn to hide now.
today a younger coworker was trying to think of the name of a singer from the olden days and yup anyway the person she was trying to remember was Mariah Carey
You give me that many goddamn birds for one f****** holiday and I’m grilling the shit out of them. Lemon pepper turtle doves, anyone?
“I can’t, too busy”:
– no one believes you
– tired
– allows for future invitations“I can’t. Not since the accident”
– mysterious
– fresh
– prevents future invitations
My husband is going out of town for a week and I have some hot plans to get intimate with my *lover
*air fryer
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
Walking in the woods, 4-year-old asked if I would carry her armful of rocks. I said no. She asked if I would carry her sweatshirt. I said yes. She handed me her sweatshirt (filled with rocks).
The best actress award goes to my 5YO for her performance as a hungry and deprived child just before her bedtime
Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
[Restaurant]
Me: I’ll have a Chef Salad, no lettuce.
Waiter: So just a bowl of meats and cheeses?
Me: Still call it a salad though.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I saw a commercial on Animal Planet where animals were talking & that’s all well & good but they totally got the giraffe’s accent wrong.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Found an ant in my bathroom today, which is weird because I haven’t had a picnic in there for like 3 months.
Due to staff shortages, a lot of wizards have developed bad backs
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
Female body types:
Pear
Apple
Hourglass
Stick
Platypus bill
Wormhole
Googly eye
Knives
Abyss