Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
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*As people try to get me to go kayaking.
Me: Why can’t we just rent a baby yacht? That’s all I’m saying.
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time
“Wearing horizontal stripes will make you look bigger and really stand out.”
Young Waldo: (whispering) Some day I’ll prove you wrong.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
All animals are wild animals if you give them tequila and lift up their t-shirts.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
Why aren’t marriage prevention hotlines a thing?
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
I finally learned to stop listening to the voices in my head when they told me to put pineapple on my pizza. Would have been a lot fewer burned buildings had they suggested that sooner.
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Then:
Me: I want McDonald’sMom: Do you have McDonald’s money?
Now:
Mom: I want grandkidsMe: Do you have grandkids money??
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
Dating isn’t easy when you’re married.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
My wife thinks it’s weird how much I stare at my phone now but it was probably even weirder when I was a kid just staring at the landline all day
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Budget: She really knows how to stretch me to the limit.
Spanx: Dude, look who you’re talking to.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
All I’m saying is if you’ve ever seen me put patio furniture covers on, you’d NEVER ask me to put a condom on.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
Newton’s amended 1st law of motion:
Objects dropped on the floor by teens will remain at rest for months unless acted upon by an angry Mom.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.