Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
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Don’t you just hate it when you have a day off to relax by the pool and enjoy a well-stocked pantry but then your neighbour comes home early and threatens to call the cops?
“Bless your heart” is southern for “I’m pretty sure you were dropped on your head as a child.”
I wish I could just drop my body off at the gym and pick it up later.
Me: if a ghostbuster dies and becomes a ghost, do they have to bust themselves
Interviewer: that’s an excellent question about the job
One of Jesus’ most impressive accomplishments was being 33 years old and still having 12 really close friends.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
[Family of lizards]
Mother: this our oldest son, he’s all grown up now and crushes buildings
Little lizard: ahem
Mother: *sighs* also, this our youngest he can get you 15% off car insurance
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something. *closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*
~ Developers
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
I drank so much wine last night when i walked across the dance floor to get another glass, i won the dance competition.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
ugh he wants to go hiking as a first date, just like hitler
3yo and I were in a store & she pointed at a toy purse shouting ‘I want a pretty pursey!’ but her ‘r’s’ aren’t well pronounced so I never went back to that store again
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
CUSTOMER: why has your colleague got a larger plastic face covering than you?
SHOP ASSISTANT: that’s the supervisor.
[ambulance]
medic: sir do you need oxygen
me: no dying is fine
Me: I’ve installed a sensor to let me know when there’s any social awkwardness in the air
Michael Cera:
Sensor: *bursts into flames*
Say what you will about the Grinch, but having garlic in your soul and living alone with a dog sounds pretty damn great to me.
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
Look at you, putting your bag of popcorn into a bowl like the Queen of England.
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
Hey Law & Order, please stop throwing around the word semen all willy-nilly, I’m trying to watch this with my mom
being single sucks when u have to designate an emergency contact bc what? my dad’s gonna fly to burbank when i faint at a pilates studio?
Went for a run last night and saw one of my neighbors already has his Christmas lights up
All I could think was, why the hell am I running rn?!
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Wait…was it my left or your left?
-me as a surgeon
Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
WORD: wanna see paste options?
ME: no it’s fine
WORD: but check out these paste options
ME: pls move the box I can’t see the words behind it
WORD: 🙁
ME: fine there I looked now move the box
WORD: 🙂
ME: it’s still there
WORD: which was your favorite 😐
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?