[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
You Might Also Like
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
My “Mum” says I need to learn how to use quotation marks.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
netflix be hiring writers who have literally never had a normal conversation with anyone ever
PIERRE GASLY WHAT IS THIS ????
[Busy ER]
Patient: So what happens after this?
Me: [stares into distance] Some think heaven. Some think nothing happens. Possibly even limbo until some higher power decides your fate
Patient: So…I meant what happens now you’ve requested an inpatient bed for me?
Me: Oh. Same.
What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?
My boyfriend said it would be nice if once in a while he woke up to breakfast in bed…
I put his bed in the kitchen…
my garbage family is staging an intervention or something for me because i forgot what its called when people have a chin made out of hair
hugh grant wants no part of this dumb shit
911: Did you ring yesterday?
Boy: No
911: Day before?
Boy: Definitely not
911: Your voice is familiar
Boy: Please just help
911: Ok can you describe your attacker?
Boy: It’s a wolf
911: Oh for fu
Apparently Mr. Neeson’s “particular set of skills” is terrible at keeping his family from getting kidnapped.
Flight attendant: As you’ve sat near the emergency doors, you have to help me in an emergency
Me: ok[3 months later]
Flight attendant *calling me* omg help I’ve been stabbed
Me: wtf
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
A lawyer walks into a bar. A lawyer leaves the bar. A lawyer walks into the bar. A lawyer fails the bar because he was drunk.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
Fwiw it’s worth I’ve never assumed that Popeye was human, I believe he is a weird shaved animal that sorta-talks ?
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
ME: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
TINDER DATE: LOL no, that’s my pug, Arthur
*silence for 10mins*
ME: is Arthur coming or
Lately I go to the restroom at the movies, but forget where I’m seated then return & just begin a new life in a new seat with a new family.
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Me: You are NOT alone in this pandemic.
Wife: *on the toilet* I really wish I were.
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
My family gather round while the lawyer quietly reads my will. He hands out 1 hot dog each and when they finish eating he asks them to leave