“I knew Jesus when he was just a carpenter.”
-the first hipster
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We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
You can be rough with me – the healthcare is free. #MakeCanadaSexier
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Wife: It’s fine
*Miles away an old sea captain* My knee is a tingling. Aye a storm is headed this way
Holy shit he’s back
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
Any gift I give you in 2024 will be wrapped in leftover Christmas wrapping paper.
New baby? Merry Christmas!
Getting married? Merry Christmas!
Birthday? Merry Christmas!
Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
-Whoa! Have you seen that big herd of bees outside?
-Not *herd* of bees.
-You’ve not heard of bees? They’re flying things with stings.
-I know, but it’s swarm!
-*sweating* I know, it’s boiling! But I’m not opening the window til that herd of bees has gone.
Yea girl, he’s your soulmate. And her soulmate, and her soulmate, and….ya know.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
grandpa: you kids don’t know how tough life was back when-
me: grandpa if you ate a single Flamin’ Hot Cheeto you would die immediately please check your tone
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
Apologizing for canceling a meeting is like saying sorry for buying me a beer.
My girlfriend is always yelling at me because I get my directions mixed up.
So I packed my bags and right left away !
So glad we cleared that up
if cat not enjoy being held… why baby sized?
POTATO MAGICIAN: is this your carb
i dont really try to ‘make’ ‘friends’ on twitter im more like a wild deer and if you interact with me enough i may become accustomed to your scent enough to eat a carrot out of your hand
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?