Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
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Me to my 6yo: Hey Buddy, whatchya doing?
6yo: None of your business.
Me: You came out of my business.
So, is Dora 18 yet, or what? Asking for a friend.
My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.
I should have known I was in for a rough afternoon when my child described her drink as “too soggy.”
Wife: Did you do the dishes like I asked?
Me: Sorry I was busy
W: Doing what?
*cat rides by on Roomba wearing gladiator outfit*
Me: Uh..
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
My earliest family memory is of my wolf pack attacking and ravaging a deer. As always, Uncle Joe got the wishbone.
friend: you should be more spontaneous
me: *opens planner* when?
I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
This forever.
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
If every nitrogen atom turned into a horse we would all die
What idiot called it the toaster and not the tanning bread?
love can touch us one time and last for a lifetime
*herpes
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
Husband: How much Halloween candy should we get?
Me: We went through 2 pounds last year.
Husband: We didn’t have any trick-or-treaters last year.
Me: *death glare*
Your Tinder date welcomes you into their bedroom. They excuse themselves and go to the bathroom, leaving you alone on their bed. What is your next move?
A. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
B. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
C. Lick their Himalayan salt lamp
D. All of the above
Applied for a “meditation class” but missed out the first T on the enrolment form, so now I’m studying to be a marriage guidance counsellor.
Typos are dangerous, you guys.
Becoming my own secret santa by forgetting the purchases i made in the middle of the night half asleep.
To the person that put “SMILE” as their name on the printer… I will not!! In fact, I will hunt you down and force you to watch me frown.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
I always sit in the middle stall so I have a bathroom buddy.
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby