[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
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A friend with a printer is worth 8 regular friends
[On my death bed]
My son: Before you go, could you make me pancakes?
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Some say Obama is the biggest liar of all time..
I say, the person who chose the spelling of, “Colonel” is the biggest liar of all time
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
date: so… you just adopted 3 little kindergarteners as your children?
professor utonium: no, no that’d be crazy. they came out of a soup I made in my basement
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
I did the DNA test 23 and me. I’m 85% Hagen Dazs and only 15% Reeses! This test is bullshit!
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I’m getting excited that my kid’s birthday is coming up…
mostly because I really need to replenish my gift bag stash.
ME: There’s no i in team but there is one in pizza
WIFE: so you’re not going to share
ME: I am not going to share
“I will look for you. I will find you. And I will kill you.” -Liam Neeson opening a Where’s Waldo book
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
Worth the read.
My wife wants me to stay on twitter because she doesn’t want me to tell her 10 jokes a day.
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
People think dads are dumb for getting to the airport 5 hours early but it’s only because we saved up several thousand dollars for a couple of beers before the flight. Who’s the dumb one now?
overrated: crying in the shower
underrated: using the shower rack for all the assorted condiments for your shower tacos
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof
I have no idea how other people get off the plane looking lovely when I look like a grease covered cheese puff someone found at the bottom of their purse
The year is 2073. My wife and I rest in side by side burial plots. Waking up in the middle of the night our 57yo son, for reasons beyond his understanding, digs a horizontal hole between us and gets in.
His head near his mother and his feet kicking my corpse, he sleeps.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*