I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
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no job yet but i’ve been staying busy!
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
[Interview]
Him: Your resume just says you can have Friday afternoons off.
Me: Sounds great. I’ll take it.
rich people: be like me, invest in stocks
also rich people: no not like that
*waiter pouring wine*
Say when sir
*wine slowly fills up the restaurant*
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.
AUNT: You look just like your dad.
ME: Thanks. We both use our eyes.
YouTube: hey we saw u watched a video about a thing
Me: great, would it be possible to fill my entire feed with that thing, forever?
I honestly see both sides of the flat earth debate.
Why do you love your baby so much. You’ve only known it for like 4 weeks.
Aging has caused me to need glasses. Glasses of beer. Glasses of wine. And glasses of bourbon.
person: want to hold our baby?
me: why
For the record ladies, your insecurities about your bodies is a bigger turn off to guys than your bodies ever could be.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Off duty cop: No
*cop gets so close their mustaches interlock like velcro*
You’re driving great, pal
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I should be able to publicly wear a CLOAK without being questioned. Am I a medieval archer? Will I recite poetry by a babbling brook? Can I restore my own HP and the HP of all nearby party members? Only God can judge me, dipshits
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Don’t let the cargo shorts and flip flops fool you…I’m not the sex symbol you may think I am.
Bought the cheapest possible Mercedes yesterday ’cause I needed to use the bathroom at the dealership.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
vacation is not enough i need to run my brain through a car wash
Where do avocados come from? Uh, well, when a crocodile loves a pear very much…
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Ke$ha in different currencies:
Ke£ha,
Ke€ha,
Ke¥ha.
Lucky she chose USD… British KePoundHa or Vietnamese KeDongHa might sound a bit odd
Just because you can eat everything at the “all you can eat buffet”, doesn’t mean you should. I know this now.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”