Waterbeds are for people who want to get sea sick at home.
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FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
Favourite diary entry ever
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
[start of interview]
Me: hi sir nice to meet you *i go to shake is hand but spill his coffee everywhere*
Interviewer: …welcome to BP
If bed bugs are named because they are found in beds…how did cockroaches get their name?
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
wtf management?!
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
They’re really bad with fonts.
Coworker: crazy weather we’re having
Me: [as loud as possible] SHARON FOR THE LAST TIME I WILL NOT KILL YOUR HUSBAND FOR A BAG OF REDVINES
[Halftime speech]
Ok guys, we’re down 56-0, but I see the problem. There’s a typo in my game plan. It should say “tackle”, not “tickle”.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Sorry I got confused & grabbed your fist bump like a doorknob.
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
Back in the day my parents wanted me to marry only one of my own.
Now they’re like “That orangutan looks nice. That elephant looks smart.”
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
That point in your parenting journey where “stop fighting” morphs into “go outside if you’re going to fight”
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
16 year olds can vote in Scotland. That’s ok because they’ve been drinking since they were 9 and understand disillusionment.
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
A friend wanted to know what it’s like to be a mom, so I busted down her bathroom door while she was taking a shower so I could tell her that I’m thinking about changing the name of one of my stuffed animals.
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
My office is across the hall from my bedroom but I won’t let that stop me from blaming this snowstorm for making me late tomorrow
Never knew kids were magicians until they started magically appearing at the sound of wrappers opening
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.