I’m not a liar. I have an English degree; I’m an unreliable narrator.
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I still remember taking down that bullying 12 year old on the playground like it was yesterday. My Dad was so proud. Ah, to be 30 again!
Me: What makes you think I have trouble letting go?
Her: You woke me up at 3am to ask that?
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
Maybe a funeral isn’t the best place to practice my evil laugh
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
Please keep my 6 year old in your prayers, his sister is copying him.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
Bong hits bring all the cheetos to my jaw, and it’s like, nom nom nom nom.
Best “black friday” deals come when your neighbors leave their windows unlocked.
I’ve got 99 chores but I ain’t done one. ~Lay-Z
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
Threw some hot dogs and a velociraptor egg into my shake this morning, I’m ready to take on the world.
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days
barista: oh no
Aliens? Wake me up when something important happens, like a new pasta shape
sloth [finally arriving at his prison cell]
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
My first base coach won’t let me practice kissing, I hate baseball.
The reason I don’t like Facebook’s “memories” feature is because it shows me 6 years ago wearing the same shirt I have on right now.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
I don’t whisper sweet nothings.
I yodel them.
“I will eat 3 oreos” I say to myself, bringing the bag
Never ask a shepherd how many sheep he owns, I don’t think he’d know, he probably falls asleep every time he takes inventory.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
I was makin out with a cute girl but it got ruined when she ran her hand up my leg and squeezed all the spaghetti out of my pocket
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.