When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.
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grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
This pepper has seen some shit
Sometimes when I’m driving I’m overcome with an urge to run into an overpass pillar. Anyway, I’m Kris & I’ll be your Uber driver.
[first day in a hair band]
Singer: you’re bald
Me: yes, I lied on my resume
First date the man should pick up the bill. In the absence of a bill look for William instead.
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
[texting my wife from the barber]
WIFE: where are you?
ME: just getting my hair cut
WIFE: ok. send me a picture of it when you’re done
ME:
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
The real heroes are my neighbours in a 5km radius during my quarantine bagpipe practice
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
i now pronounce you bounced.
A wee field mouse has been showing up at my door every few days for the last 2 weeks. He’s very polite. I say please go the other way, buddy! And he always does. Anyway, today my neighbor saw me telling him goodbye as he scurried off, so now I have to move.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
An empty box at the top of the stairs, the cat, an inevitable union.
“The toilet’s blocked pretty bad so I called the plumber. Should be here later tod-”
[Bowser spits coffee]
“Which plumber?”
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
My signature move is putting on my reading glasses when I don’t understand what the person in front of me is saying.
[restaurant]
me: may I clear your plates?
customer: thanks
me: *sits down to finish their fries*
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
If I won the lottery, I wouldn’t go nuts. Probably buy some printer ink, and with what was left over, maybe an avocado.
Wow, wife was pissed when she found out I donated her sweater to Goodwill, but not as mad as she would have been if she’d found out I shrunk it in the dryer.
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
*puts my mental health in rice