Once I found there was no popcorn in popcorn chicken there was no reason to try pot roast.
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People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
I should be getting paid for getting up at 3 am. to go pee.
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
Don’t forget to tip your server
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
Omg what a weekend – I don’t need to eat again for the rest of this year.
Is that cheesecake?
[Lies on resume about having gone to preschool]
Boss: You’re hired. Your first task is to make me a macaroni picture.
Me: *eyes widen* what
[Job Interview]
“It says here under skills, that you can eat rice?”*Eats rice with chop sticks*
“Holy shit! When can you start?!”
They should change the name from all you can eat pancake breakfast to 4 or 5 pancakes at most
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]
Look, I’ve been a widow struggling for four years to raise my kids on my own. Hallmark told me I should have tripped over a handsome hunk of man, who turns out to be rich, with a good heart by now.
This is bullshit!
Keep the business cards from people you don’t like. That way, if you should ever hit a parked car, you can leave it on the windscreen
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Storm Tropical Storm
Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
[after sex]
guy: wow that was great i had you screaming the entire time
me: sorry im afraid of the dark
HEIST MASTERMIND: There’s laser tripwires everywhere, so be careful.
GUY WHO ALWAYS OPENS BAGS OF M&Ms WAY TOO HARD: Got it.
my toxic trait is feeling like eating 1 box of oreos over the course of 1 day is healthier than eating them in one sitting. there has to be less calories that way.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
Me: My first wife loved this movie.
Wife: I AM your first wife!
Me: And you love this movie, DON’T YOU?!?
2012: sorry I did the Macarena at your Anna’s funeral
2014: *does a kickflip* yeah the doctor said it’s not curable
2016: what idiot called it the sun and not a space heater
2019: ok gang here’s a thread on marginal tax rates & how we can use proceeds to fund schools
I just want everyone to know that my two-year old insisted on being “pants” for Halloween…
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
The newest Teenage Mutant Ninja Jurtle: Thiccelangelo.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here