I love it all
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me: “we commemorate the day you died every year”
jesus: “thats nice, what’s the day called?”
me:
jesus:
me:
jesus: “keith?”
me: “bad friday”
My son asked what it was like to be a parent so I begged him to make me chicken nuggets and then held on to his leg so he couldn’t move.
If you see me in the baby section at the store, there’s no bun in the oven. Just a cat at home that clearly needs a onesie.
Me: I’ll start laundry at 6:00.
Also me: Well, it’s 6:02, so it’s too late to start laundry now.
NyQuil the daytime drive your car into a ditch cold medicine.
Age 25: I need cute shoes for this event.
Age 45: I need cute shoes for this event that I can also wear to work and walk several miles in, don’t make me look old or like I’m trying too hard, won’t hurt my little toe or lower back, will last a minimum of 10 years & are on sale.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
To animals (lizards?) that prey on mosquitoes: You guys need anything? Ice? More towels? Tickets to Cirque du Soleil?
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
[First date]
Him: So where do you hike?
Me: I don’t hike.
Him: Your profile said you love hiking.
Me: I’m a fiction writer.
7-year-old: What’s your favorite color?
Me: I don’t know.
7: I thought you went to college.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
My daughter turns 3 today. Due to our tight budget, we’re not telling her.
For sale: Haunted bonnet, comes with robin egg. DO NOT SEPARATE THE BONNET AND THE EGG $5
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
Today on twitter: Men not understanding hair parts.
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
INSTRUCTIONS FOR FITTED SHEETS:
1) Know when to hold em.
2) Know when to fold em.
3) Know when to walk away.
4) Know when to run.
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Get a tattoo with Chinese symbols that reads, “I don’t know. I don’t speak Chinese.” Wait for people to ask what your tattoo means.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
My toddler’s plan for today is to ‘throw snowballs at all the peoples’ so I’m really looking forward to picking her up from daycare later
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
*walks in with singed eyebrows and an empty gas can*
Friend: The revenge didn’t go as planned, did it?
Me: *grabs chainsaw* Nope.
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”