me: honey you need to embrace your flaws
wife: ok [hugs me]
You Might Also Like
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
The traffic must be horrendous in a red light district
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
Horse: so what happens if say, Fido were to break his leg?
Farmer: well we’d put a cast on him and he’d recover in a few weeks
Horse: oh thank God, because it’s actually me who broke my leg, and I had heard some pretty crazy rumors about hey woah is that thing loaded?
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
Family means eating together at a buffet and everyone calling dibs on the toilet during the ride home.
Uber is driving me to drink. Literally.
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
It’s really telling how society and Hollywood has been producing all sorts of content about others, but almost none about me, personally 🤔
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
[Party]
HIM: Hi, I’m John.ME: Hey, I’m Andrew, with a “y”.
HIM: …Where’s the y?
OTHER PARTY GUEST FROM ACROSS THE ROOM: Ugh, why is Andrew here?!
ME: *Finger guns*
May he without sin cast the first stone
[Everybody picks up rocks]
Sharing Netflix passwords counts as sin
[Everybody puts rocks back down]
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
How do stick men play fetch with their dog?
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
I may not have any friends but at least I know my cat will never ask me to help him move
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday. He buried someone in the wrong plot. It was a grave mistake.
AVRIL LAVIGNE: he was a boy, she was a girl, can I make it anymore obvious
POLICE SKETCH ARTIST:
[FIRST DATE]
Me, opening mouth seductively: “And this is where I burned my tongue on pizza, and this is where I burned my tongue on fries, a
Yes liquor stores are essential businesses, today it was essential that I get port to go with my cigars.
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
I dont need glasses, they’re just making road signs smaller now
Passenger: That’s a billboard, and the road is over there
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.